A revelation of sorts

Marie Smith September 26, 2021

My last blog was a revelation, or actually, a form of clarity that came to me that I had been failing to articulate. The lack of being able to articulate the problem or the next stage of the process had been making me feel lackluster and confused. So writing my blog about Yan Wang Preston’s work was a great initiative and also enabled me to formulate where I wished to see my process heading.

I must also remember that my process does not necessarily need to end in a resulting ‘product’, although I am still making collages and sequences as part of my WIP series, they are themselves a reflection of my process/product adding to the conversation and it is good to see my gaze shifting and becoming more attuned.

There are elements of the series Whispering for help, that can translate to any future projects I do, in particular, if I do choose to work with communities of colour or if I seek to work with specific individuals. Again, I am shifting my focus to providing and not concentrating on the process which only signifies for me the unnecessary pressure I am putting on myself to create something coherent to show people.

I have been viewing nature as an objective space, whereas really it’s more subjective, in particular, if I am trying to ascertain my relationship with it. This means that it cannot be objective and also this means that I have been projecting what I want and what I anticipate rather than seeing and experiencing the landscape for what it is.

The separation between myself, and using my camera as a tool of experience means that I have not been negotiating my relationship with the space beyond seeing the place ‘for me to explore or to assert’ my sense of belonging’ rather than a participant. That’s the essence of the relationship. That is what I have been missing and failing to translate. This means that I can be very intentional now and also think about how I can apply sustainable darkroom practices that are specific to my relationship with the participant.

I am glad that this revelation has come to me now, and I feel a sense of ease and weight being lifted as I now have the language to move my processes onto the next stage of development. Also, perhaps I can now go on making more photos which more intention knowing that I have a framing. I can now think about how or if I want to implement text in the work in some ways.

I boiled some corn on the cob husks yesterday, to use as a developer, a very new experience and I will try it with one roll of film to see how it goes, apparently, sweetcorn has a high phenol count but we’ll have to wait and see if that translate well as a developer.

WIP Sequence, Self-portrait with a landscape from council estate I live on in London, September 2021, ©Marie Smith

Interview with Yan Wang Preston - Who are we, we are nature?

Marie Smith September 24, 2021

Speaking to Yan Wang Preston provided another space for me to pivot into. One that was unfamiliar to me as Yan’s work focuses on the landscape of China and its multifaceted identity that is usually seen in a very binary context when thinking about how China is presented in the mainstream media. Dr. Yan Wang Preston moved to the UK from China in 2005 after completing her training in Clinical Medicine at Fudan University, Shanghai, China. Upon moving to the UK, Yan took up photography and in 2018 she completed her practice-based Ph.D. at the University of Plymouth under the supervision of Liz Wells and Jem Southam.

I was very intrigued by Yan’s methodical and precise style, her landscape photographs were not just aesthetic but move the landscape away from being an objective space to a subjective ream for me to consider it as a place beyond and separate from myself. After asking my first question, Yan asked or more so posed) questions to me from a poem, ‘Who are we, we are nature’?

This question was not completely removed from what Season Butler said to me about thinking beyond nature being the physical context of ‘naturalistic’ and trying to encompass everything as a form of nature. Yan’s question was to provoke me to think about my physicality and body in relation to nature. Beyond my behavior in the context of climate change, I try to be responsible as much as I can, but do I see myself as something that is natural?

Yan’s practice and outlook are informed by Chines philosophy, that we as humans are part of the world and that there are multiple microworlds that are visible and invisible to us but we are all connected. This thinking goes against a capitalist mindset, for me as it means that nature is not seen as an object to exploit and subjugate for our own uses.

From researching her series Mother River, I noted that she had added maps and GPS altitudes, in an attempt for others to go and experience the landscape for themselves and in my opinion to ensure that the landscape is not just seen as an objective space devoid of history and nuance. On reflection, I did ask Yan about community and the about other things but I think the most profound thing that I resonate with me with my own research is her philosophy and outlook towards her work.

The slowness of the analog process that she is being considerate and her academic background means that the level of research means that she is engaged in finding answers to existing problems and finding ways to provide an alternative or a way for us the think about our agency and the hierarchical structures that means that we have a limited viewpoint of nature.

Photos from inside a tree leaves in Brockwell Park, shot using Ilford HP5 Plus 400 film and developed at home using chemicals

Realising this means that I must again be more conscious of my own gaze and the limitations I have been placing on myself and my practice, I am aware of my body in these spaces but I am not really present, distracted mostly by having my camera with me, this tool creates another lens to see the world in without me considering what it is I am looking for?

The two photos featured in my blog are spaces that I go to often, the repeated steps that I take are familiar and ensure that I feel safe and I have never thought about mapping out my steps or sharing the walks that I take so that they could perhaps become a point of conversation. I was also thinking that this would be a way for me to find that connection to the space beyond the objective perspective I have been taking so far.

I need to be conscious of what I am doing, recently I feel I have been wondering in a daze and I feel a bit stuck and unable to articulate what I want to achieve, perhaps I have moved too far away from the initial remit of what I had proposed but perhaps this diversion will create more clarity for me. I am quite focused on the process at the moment but I am aware that at the end of this I would like to have some sort of an idea of what the ‘product’ could be.

My gaze has not shifted yet and I was glad that this interview acted as a type of intervention to my own philosophy and provided me with another nuanced perspective that I need to think about. I will be taking a break from shooting, and will probably pick it up in a few months once I have consolidated my thoughts a bit more.

Interview with Myah Jeffers - community, healing and connecting with body and ancestry

Marie Smith August 28, 2021

The conversations I have been having with myself and now with other artists have been illuminating, forcing me to change my biases and the binaries that have framed my understanding of nature and my perception of what is nature.

Questions around belonging and community have been a preoccupation of mine and wanting to seek other artists that have similar concerns and cross-overs in their practice have made me feel more connected. Last week I had the pleasure of speaking to photographer and director Myah Jeffers.

Myah is Barbadian-British, London-based documentary, dramaturg, and portrait photographer. Myah' primarily documents the experiences of Queer and intergenerational, Black and diaspora communities. All of Myah’s work is made on analogue film - medium format.

I had been following Myah’s work for a while and I felt a kinship with her work not only as an analogue photographer but as an artist whose work focuses on mental health, community, nature, and healing. So, I was super glad to spend an hour talking to her and sharing mutual reading materials and experiences.

Self portrait made in Dungeness - Kent, juxtaposed with a tree in Bodiam - East Sussex, August 2021, ©Marie Smith

With every interview I start off by asking the same two questions, to introduce themselves and to talk about their relationship and research about nature/ecology and environmentalism. The first question might sound silly, but by having the artist introduce themselves in their own words then perhaps they can illuminate themselves further.

With the second question, I already am aware that they have a relationship with nature from researching their work but again, for me, it’s about finding out the nuances and preoccupation with that artist that set the tone for the interview. I also answer these two questions which provides them (in this case Myah) with a further understanding of who I am and what I am seeking to ascertain from our conversation.

Myah’s relationship to nature is a space that can she connect to her body and her ancestry and to have a deeper understanding of community. Nature is a place of healing and is a place with herself but this relationship is constantly evolving. Myah moved to the UK from Barbados when she was 16 years old and this dual experience of the UK and Barbados has shaped her perception. Myah’s practice and research are rooted in reading and she mentioned two books by bell hooks - all about love and sisters of the yam which have provided her with solace and also enabled her to re-position herself with the landscape and also with her own process of healing.

We talked a lot about healing and trying to connect with the physical land, and how the Black diaspora lost their connection to agriculture which has led to the mind-body split due to a loss of engagement with nature and agricultural practices, this is exacerbated by diaspora communities living and working in cities.

Last summer was very emotional for many and in particular regarding the inaction and ambivalence from institutions regarding the BLM movement, not to mention the pandemic - this past year has been very draining and a struggle to reconcile. Myah mentioned lying down in Hackney Marshes soaking up the air and forging a spiritual connection with the earth. These experiences provided her with a prompt that evolved into the series There is No healing in Silence. This piece was made in Epping Forest and provided an opportunity to forge intergenerational discourse, the feeling of touch, and spiritual connection.

This is something I should try to engage with more, the land and the elements of the ecology of where I am. What is my spiritual connection to the land? How can I forge that connection rather than forcing it? Do I need to be taking photographs at every opportunity, probably not if I am honest?

Recently, I’ve developed a habit of carrying my camera with me everywhere, always looking to find an opportunity to document what I am seeing as though this will be enough to know how I feel about a place. I have lost the habit of walking, sitting, and being in the present moment with myself and where I am. I feel this is partly to do with a disconnection I feel with London at the moment and also because I have made more concerted efforts to explore other places outside of London.

Nevertheless, this act of sitting and being at one with the land reminded me that having this experience is just as important as making photographs. The discourse around ecology and climate change is not limited. A valid point that Myah made was that perhaps Black and diaspora communities do not think or use the same language as those in mainstream media in Western society but the concerns and considerations still exist.

Barbados is known as ‘Little England’ and the legacy of colonialism permeates the landscape. Myah reflected on how tourism and capitalism are shaping and fragmenting the natural landscape of the island. The beauty that remains is becoming commodified with places such as Harrison’s Cave. This cave is primarily populated by American and British tourists. The invisible and visible distinctions within the landscape play a part in the segregation of the communities. Myah mentioned tapping into memories of Barbados when she feels the need to retrieve a place that is comforting for her.

Agency, is a word that is instrumental in both my and Myah’s practice and is something that is always at the forefront of the work that we make. We spoke about what this means to us and our practice and how photography has created a space for us to find an agency. For Myah, the agency is a way for her to ensure that she can contribute to collective healing and to the community of resistance. Thus, allowing Black and diaspora communities to have the autonomy to be safe with themselves, with each other, and with the land.

Myah also reflected on her experience with her commission from where I am standing with the Empathy Museum and working with front line NHS workers - how a camera is a tool and the most important part of the process is the connection you have with the people. To create an authentic connection is to rescind some control in order that the people you are documenting are at the center of the process. So trust, which comes with constant dialogue with the participants is we talked about trust and how this can impact the final portrait if the trust is not there.

Community is at the heart of her practice, and Myah has definition of a community is based on bell hook’s definition; Community is a space where Black people can exist without fear, paranoia, or oppression. An imperative part of Myah’s work is to document Black communities and how conversations, through talking and through photography can aid the healing process. By seeing ourselves, in spaces, we are able to connect on a spiritual level. Myah is also seeking to contribute to the archive and the experience of Black Diaspora communities. In particular intergenerational dynamics and conversations can prompt further conversations within themselves.

Myah also talked about her gaze and how this is affected by commercial and personal work, and how it has shifted. She is aware of the implication this has on her practice, in particular when she goes back to make work in Barbados. Having lived in the UK now for several years and having access to film cameras, in particular medium format cameras, Myah is having to navigate the implications this has on her practice.

Mental health and wellbeing are at the forefront of my practice and I instantly felt this connection with Myah’s work so I felt that it was important for me to discuss this topic with her. I asked Myah about her research and how as Black people we are holding trauma and how we can find the tools to release the trauma that has manifested in their bodies.

Myah’s main research was bell hook’s sister of the yam, Toni Morrison’s novel Beloved and conversations with other Black women. This included having conversations and doing workshops in Epping Forest which became part of the process for the project There is No healing in Silence.

Also, it was great to know that I was not the only person that found fiction a relevant and important part of the research. Personally, fiction in particular writers from Black and diaspora communities holds an element of historical truth that is just as important and informed as academic writing. For Myah, fiction creates an important moment for Black and diaspora communities to contextualise their experience, this is informed by how we are treated in society. Fiction by Black writers centers our being and existence and fiction can create moments that she can reference and respond to, words are portraits.

As an analogue photographer, I was interested in Myah’s perspective on the process of working solely with film and how the has impacted her gaze and the type of work that she makes - personally and commercially. Myah made the switch to making work in analogue a year ago after she found herself uninspired by the digital process as it not allowing her to slow down her process.

The process with medium format film is more intentional but she is making the move to 35mm and it will be interesting to see how having a smaller camera will impact her practice. Medium format photography provides Myah with space and time to really interrogate her intentions, to look closely, and to ensure that she is capturing the nuances of her sitter. By utilising traditional portraiture photography as part of her practice, Myah is subverting the historical narrative about how Black people have been documented.

It was also lovely to end the conversation sharing the names of some of the artist artists/filmmakers and photographers that we both like, such as Adama Jolloh, Gordon Parks, Roy DeCarava, Khalik Allah, Kahlil Joseph, and Zanele Muholi was amongst the many that Myah referenced.

Self portrait collage, Black and white, August 2021, ©Marie Smith

My conversation with Myah was very illuminating, the process of speaking to different artists has pushed to think about what I am doing with my research and what I am learning. I felt a string kinship with so much of what she said and she has reminded me that I need to take some more time, healing and dealing with trauma.

I thought I had processed this, but my recent social anxiety and living in London have triggered some underlying concerns that I felt that I had resolved. I also think that I need to spend more time, funny enough away from my camera and more time with looking and allowing myself to have a direct engagement with the land. So the next walk I go on I won’t bring my camera. I need to sit with my thoughts and feeling and notice what is resonating with me.

At the end of the research I hope to engage with Black and diaspora community to create a piece of work but I feel that before I can do that I have more work to do on myself and my understanding of nature and my relation ship with the land. I need to look more and make concerted efforts to be more honest with myself.

I need to heal.

I’m aware that I carry a lot of tension and I thought the act of photography would be a relief and to extend it does but it’s not the best way of dealing with every situation. I’m sure as I go back and listen to my conversation with Myah that there will be more for me to engage and reflect upon.

Self portrait collage, Colour, August 2021, ©Marie Smith

Interview with Season Butler - we discuss her novel Cygnet, community and what is nature and not nature?

Marie Smith August 12, 2021

I’ve been doing a lot recently, more than I can process so I will try to do one thing at a time. My research has made a rapid growth of late, elements and ideas that I had struggled to articulate now seem to be coming together and I can question what I knew prior to starting research. It seems as though my understanding was quite shallow but this is an opportunity to question and inform myself.

As part of my research, I have reached out to photographers, researchers, writers, and artists with a particular focus on speaking to people of colour to gain insight into their relationship with nature, environmentalism, and landscape. What do these terms mean to them and these subjects have informed their practice?

Last week, I interviewed Season Butler over Zoom, Season is one of five artists that I’ll be talking to over the next few months. Next week I will be in conversation with Myah Jeffers.

I also have interviews lined up interviews with Yan Wang Preston and Zoe Palmer from the dream(ing) field lab.

Photo taken from a walk to Seven Sisters Cliff, July 2021 ©Marie Smith

Season Butler is a London-based writer, performance artist, and teacher, and recently completed a Ph.D. in Creative Writing at Goldsmiths College, University of London. Season’s debit novel Cygnet was released in 2019 and we spent time talking about her research behind Cygnet and also about her interest in environmentalism, nature, and climate change.

Season was born and grew up in Washington, DC/USA, and part of her childhood was spent preoccupied with environmentalist movements, such as Earth Day. Having a parent who studied herbalist traditions meant that she was brought up in a household that was conscious of nature and plant life. Her parent’s politics/ethics have shaped a mindful awareness of nature and how nature is an intrinsic part of life. Nature is not just part of a rural environment and is not something that is not removed from the city environment.

We spoke about the discourse of environmentalism and climate change, the effects this has on people in the global south in particular, and how capitalism has exacerbated and created uneven power dynamics and structures that means that exploitation of plant life, people, and resources will continue. Climate Change is not the great equaliser and although it is a global issue others are more vulnerable the need for material and pollution that governs our lives are the ultimate means that pre-existing equality is continued rather than address with a way to resolve it.

The interconnection between capitalism and climate change means that we have been walking towards the destruction of the planet and its resources for many decades but this does not mean that the climate change movement is a new phenomenon. Season spoke about engaging in the complexities of the contemporary climate crisis, and that means addressing the intersection between class, race, and age.

Season talked about the history of environmentalism, her awareness of the movement that preceded in particular in the post-war era, and how the movement is in its current iteration has influenced by previous movements and writers. Season cited Silent Spring by Rachel Carson which was written in 1962 when Carson was in her late 40s. There is a perception that people over 65 were not environmentalists but what choices were presented to them - what structures perhaps meant that they were not given choices to take the environment into consideration.

Season also spoke about how the community can be seen as a unit of human survival, a system of people that are considered towards each other and are invested in your survival. Not forgetting the need to thrive even under difficult circumstances. Community is also about being aware of your responsibility toward their survival means that community is not a linear concept and can be quite broad as well.

Season got me to think about what is considered ‘nature’ and ‘not nature’ and the fact that a beehive can be seen as natural but a skyscraper might not be seen as natural although both structures are made from raw material and house a community. Cityscapes are also landscapes and how can I be more expansive with what I consider ‘natural’? We also talked about the lack of access to green space and this got me thinking about why green spaces are so important in cities and how places like Brockwell Park have provided me with an introduction to nature which still continues.

Safety is a concern and for some communities, being in open green spaces might not feel safe or welcoming, this does vary in the context but this can affect your feeling of being from the land and having a relationship with the land.

Lastly, I asked Season what her hopes were for the future and she talked about having effective leadership and finding the most effective ways for us are able to thrive and take action to fight against the essential problems with climate change. To be bold and efficient so that one day the Climate Change movement and so many protest movements can be made obsolete.

My conversation with Season has provoked new questions for me, some I had not considered before and some that I had dismissed entirely. For example, how have I decided what is nature and what is not nature? What preconceived ideas have I been carrying around which has been affecting my practice and how can I be more open to what is ‘nature’ and ‘what is not nature’?

The conversation around climate change is not new and the relationship between Black and other ethnic minority communities is not new either. this is something that I have resolved within myself and I have found enough work and writing to solidify that we have a history and a discourse within this canon.

I now need to ensure that I find a spoke to utilise for myself, a space that resonates with me, and somewhere that I am able to build a trusting relationship. I am looking at the end of this research to make a series about a specific space with societies people and until now I have dismissed London but maybe I have been hasty and I have not given enough time to this concept.

Cyanotype made during Cyanotype workshop at South London Gallery in August 2021 with Alice Cazenave who is a member of The Sustainable Darkroom. The flowers and plant leaves were picked from the Orozco Garden in South London Gallery, ©Marie Smith

And finally to finish off this week’s blog, I have now completed my workshop at South London Gallery and I have learnt a lot of methodologies and practices that I will carry through with. I have already started to develop black and white film at home with my own plant based developer. I have also learnt some more nuances regarding cyantypes, how you can bleach them (using soda crystals) and dying them (using anything from rosemary to green tea bags).

On reflection with my conversation with Season, this cyanotype was made from plants, flowers found in South London Gallery garden, a wonderful juxtaposition between concrete and nature growth around through and in relation to the concrete rather than against it.

So I can certainly find myself urging towards something that I already thought of but had discredited but I think I need more time to decide if I will carry on this trajectory or whether I should become more focused on what is around and in front of me - can the city landscape provide me with more answers than I anticipated. More exploration will need to be done I think before I can answer.

Happy accidents can yield surprising results

Marie Smith July 31, 2021

Sometimes accidents can propel you in a whole new direction, one that you did not intend, however it good to also follow through on a process and see what happens. I accidentally messed up the development of my own images during the Plant based developer workshop with Eileen White from Sustainable Darkroom.

I was also unable to use my local lab’s scanner as this would have jammed it as I had cranked the hols of the side of the film when I was winding the film on the developing wheel during the workshop. This meant that the film ended being stuck together and and some area became undefined and under developed. Undeterred I decided to see what I could do with he fit, I also didn’t want to waste the film and consign it to the bin, wondering what if?

So, my local lab at Photofusion suggested that I rent their highly powerful and accurate Imacon scanner, which I did and it was good to use it, was not difficult and I was also to obtain 20 images from a roll of 35 images, not bad!

On inspection at home I decided that it wasn’t worth trying to make the images look accurate and refined, the images were too blurred and I actually liked the fading and distortion that I had created, I added a filter to them - sepia tone which made them look like historical images from 19th century - well not exactly but close enough!

I them printed them off onto reclaimed paper from Photofusion (thank you!) and now I am wondering what to do with them next, I feel I need to keep on with the process and see art can be done, whether that be collages or annotations, writing of some sort. I’ll just play around and see what happens.

Tomorrow I am off for a walk in Chilworth with two friends, both photographers and we ware going to explore the landscape of Surrey! This will be a nice opportunity for me to go for a walk with other women of colour and to also explore a place that is unfamiliar. My aim is to try and capture some portraits of them and of myself, to see what community feels like in this situation and to try and enact some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind of late.

I will them be developing the film and scanning at home myself - I have just bought a flatbed scanner so I am looking to get more agency and autonomy over my working methods, and to save money as well and in the long run it will be better for me.

Images below are scans and prints of the 35mm roll of film from workshop.

I scanned the film using Imacon scanner which I hired from PhotoFusion for a few hours, the process was simple and I concentrated on scanning the images that had a tangible image on it.

It was hard to decipher the septic frames so some images ended up needing onto each other unintentionally or the tress were braced but he fact they were not processed correctly.

First scan and first impression, each frame was different and I had to manage my expectations, although I am intrigued by the process and what could come next, the potential in the image is what is intriguing me.

Managed to recover some space paper from PhotoFusion that would not go through the printer. the paper is high quality and mixture of fine art, semi gloss and gloss paper. I have cut the paper up to A4 size s that I can feed it through my inject printer at home. This also means I can be sustainable in my process, experiment and know that nothing is going to waste and that I have freedom to be playful. — Managed to recover some space paper from PhotoFusion that would not go through the printer. the paper is high quality and mixture of fine art, semi gloss and gloss paper. I have cut the paper up to A4 size s that I can feed it through my inject printer at home.
This also means I can be sustainable in my process, experiment and know that nothing is going to waste and that I have freedom to be playful.

I printed off some of the images, a mixture of contrasts and black and white and the sepia Toine which I changed in Adobe Lightroom, they have a haunting quality and now look more like historical photographs, which is great! I wonder how they will look at collages? Or perhaps the backdrop for a portraits?

Memories are not trustworthy and I should always remember that, this is all a learning curve

Marie Smith July 23, 2021

Memories are not trustworthy, I should know that by now.

On a recent trip to Seven Sisters, I went back to find this tree and to recreate a moment that is now over two years old, I remembered the location and I even spotted another previous image I had captured back in April 2019.

However, this elusive tree was not what I remembered and had become something else. This tree seemed to be swamped by a rouge bush and looked smaller and not so - glorious. The tree looked smaller and incoherent. At that moment I felt deflated but also silly as of course why wouldn’t the situation had changed, that’s not how nature works. It doesn’t stand still for anyone, it has its own rules and ecosystem that has nothing to do with me and my photographic aspirations.

In fact, I feel that this has been a good lesson for me and what I am trying to do with my research, I am searching for a place to belong, a landscape that feels familiar and that resonates with me. This trip was not a mistake but it was a lesson for me to be more articulate and reflective on what I am trying to do.

I don’t regret going and I now know that I must be more succinct in my working method, in particular in my search for a place to develop a relationship with, inspired by Roni Horn’s Island Zombie and Jamaica Kincaid’s My Book (Garden), both women have created a nuanced and in-depth relationship with their respective locations; Horn (Iceland) and Kincaid (Vermont, USA) and I am searching for this in the UK, trying to think and see beyond London if possible.

The search continues and I am not ruling out staying in London and trying to find somewhere local but I would like to challenge myself and my perception of the home which has to mean, looking beyond London.

Lone tree in East Sussex, original image made in April 2019. ©Marie Smith

The image below shows some go the 120 film negatives from my trip to Seven Sisters, I did manage to capture some images even though I was feeling deflated that day, uninspired, and overwhelmed by the heat. I have started a course at South London Gallery on Wednesday - SLG Skills: Photographic Printmaking course which is about learning sustainable film practices. This course is being run by The Sustainable Darkroom and the workshop was led by Eileen White - we had to bring our own plant-based developer which I made from tomato plant leaves which are being nurtured with care by my partner - Maciej.

My first attempt was not great (example below) but this workshop after one session has been a revelation for me and has made me realise that I was missing an element to my processes. This is something that I will elaborate on further in further posts but I am still processing what I have learnt this week, but this learning curve is improving my confidence - particularly with darkroom processes and I feel that something is definitely changing with my work and I am happy to embrace what comes next.

120 black and white film negatives developed home made plant based developer, this time from home grown Tomato plant tree leaves. This was my first time developing 120, was very happy that the results were success. Images from trip to Seven Sisters and also from a view from my flat in Brixton. ©Marie Smith

First attempt of plant based developer processed during workshop on Wednesday 21st July, some mistakes were made but I am still instruct in seeing the results, especially regarding the damaged frames from the film.

I have been thinking about using myself in my work again. I've forgotten how to take photos of myself

Marie Smith June 4, 2021

I used to make work about my experience and process, regarding my mental health and nature. Over the past year or so I have shifted focus and this had led me to take fewer portraits of myself. To the point that I now feel anxious and awkward being in front of the camera.

In an attempt to shift this awkwardness I made some self-portraits while rising my partner’s family in Mazury/Poland in September 2020. During this visit, I found myself walking with my partner through the forest of Muzury and it was a lovely experience, with no distractions.

No phone reception, which meant that we had no internet, and we rarely came across anyone. We were alone and this nourishing and the stillness was something that I was not familiar with.

One day we went mushroom picking and I found myself wanting to take some self-portraits, playing with the mushrooms - on this occasion, I didn’t feel self-conscious and I enjoyed having something to focus on (mushroom) rather than the performance of being in front of the camera. I gave myself a task, to balance the mushroom on my face to find myself engaging with an element that came from the earth.

As part of my research I feel I need to involve myself in the process more and putting myself in front of the camera would be beneficial in working out what methodologies would work the best, the idea is to work with people of colour but I feel I need to be more specific and nuanced in my approach.

I’m also not dismissing the idea that I could make a series about myself again, touching on my relationship with nature and perhaps less of a focus on trauma/mental health which has been part of my previous work.

More wellbeing perhaps?

My next step is to make a list of artists/writers/organisations that I could interview which will help and also to do more research on photographers, women, and particularly with a focus on performance within nature or incorporating nature.

A good starting point is An Mendieta’s 1970’s series Silueta and her practice of ‘Earth Art’.