Wandering, Roaming and collaborating with nature

This felt better! This portrait session felt like it had a purpose and I was more connected to the surroundings, I was present in my body and I took my time.

Having a uniform - a long black coat over a long black dress with sturdy black rubber boots helped recreate a character and I felt less self-conscious and more like I was performing a version of myself but was not far removed from who I am. I was thinking of Carrie Mae Weems series Roaming (2006) whilst making these self-portraits, where I was the photographer and the subject.

The images of me looking back at the camera whilst taking my portrait was me acknowledging the duality of my role and the agency I had given myself. The context was mine to navigate and explore. I enjoyed the role, although it was cumbersome to set up the camera/tripod in different locations at one point the heavens opened and it poured down with rain. I had to hide under a tree for 10 minutes with a raincoat and umbrella as protection. Although the tree, given to me by Mother Nature was my main savior.

I emerged afterward under a blue sky that gave me permission to continue, I then found a point of reference, a long elegant tree stump that seemed dead but was very much alive and rooted in its locality. I have been obsessively photographing this tree for a year now. I decided to formally introduce myself to this tree by taking my portrait next to it, my companion and collaborator. Not an object upon me to project my subjective opinions upon bit a feature in the landscape that accompanied me every time I was in Brockwell Park. Equally, I was aware that I functioning now in multiple guises, this character was me, I mean is me but also is an extension of the multifaceted identity that Black women have.

In Sarah Jane Cervenak’s book, Wandering, the last chapter focuses on Weems series Roaming which was made in Rome/Italy in 2006. Cervenak’s notes Weems motivations behind the series:

‘Weems’s interest in architecture and power motivates the Roaming series. But, at the same time, an openness to the sublime moves alongside these secularized meditations. This openness, which arguably could be tied to Weems’s understanding of self as a “woman who yearns”, and as someone who needs a mental break, enlarges the roaming at work in the series. Indeed, given the interplay between scenes of walking and crawling, staring and stillness, Weems’s Roaming suggests powerful movement beyond the physical. A domain constituted by phantasmatic wanderings into a world just beyond this one. A kind of movement that might just provide that light and the break she is waiting for’. (1)

Like, Weems, I was trying to navigate a sense of openness and power/empowering myself to feel freedom, and belonging, and resist the narrative that means that I cannot have agency over a place that I have known my whole life.

I too, yearn to have a sense of peace and healing in nature, that’s why I felt like this portrait felt like a collaboration, for the first time, I felt calm and aware of what I was doing. Walking/roaming both have the same intentions for me, the outcome might differ but the intention comes from the same place.

Weems goes on to identify the roaming woman in the series:

‘I call her my muse- but it’s safe to say that she’s more than one thing. She’s an alter-ego. My alter-ego, yes …this woman can stand in for me and for you; she can stand in for the audience, she leads you into history. She’s a witness and a guide…. She’s shown me a great deal about the world and about myself, and I’m grateful to her. Carrying a tremendous burden, she is a black woman leading me through the trauma of history. I think it’s very important that as a black woman, she’s engaged with the world around her; she’s engaged with history, she’s engaged with looking with being. She’s a guide into circumstances seldom seen'. (2)

Footnotes:

1. Cervenak, Sarah Jane, Wandering - Philosophical Performance of Racial and Sexual Freedom, Conclusion - Before I was straightened Out (Duke University Press, Durham, and London, 2014), Page. 163

2. Cervenak, Sarah Jane, Wandering - Philosophical Performance of Racial and Sexual Freedom, Conclusion - Before I was straightened Out (Duke University Press, Durham, and London, 2014), Page. 163

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A revelation of sorts

My last blog was a revelation, or actually, a form of clarity that came to me that I had been failing to articulate. The lack of being able to articulate the problem or the next stage of the process had been making me feel lackluster and confused. So writing my blog about Yan Wang Preston’s work was a great initiative and also enabled me to formulate where I wished to see my process heading.

I must also remember that my process does not necessarily need to end in a resulting ‘product’, although I am still making collages and sequences as part of my WIP series, they are themselves a reflection of my process/product adding to the conversation and it is good to see my gaze shifting and becoming more attuned.

There are elements of the series Whispering for help, that can translate to any future projects I do, in particular, if I do choose to work with communities of colour or if I seek to work with specific individuals. Again, I am shifting my focus to providing and not concentrating on the process which only signifies for me the unnecessary pressure I am putting on myself to create something coherent to show people.

I have been viewing nature as an objective space, whereas really it’s more subjective, in particular, if I am trying to ascertain my relationship with it. This means that it cannot be objective and also this means that I have been projecting what I want and what I anticipate rather than seeing and experiencing the landscape for what it is. 

The separation between myself, and using my camera as a tool of experience means that I have not been negotiating my relationship with the space beyond seeing the place ‘for me to explore or to assert’ my sense of belonging’ rather than a participant. That’s the essence of the relationship. That is what I have been missing and failing to translate. This means that I can be very intentional now and also think about how I can apply sustainable darkroom practices that are specific to my relationship with the participant. 

I am glad that this revelation has come to me now, and I feel a sense of ease and weight being lifted as I now have the language to move my processes onto the next stage of development. Also, perhaps I can now go on making more photos which more intention knowing that I have a framing. I can now think about how or if I want to implement text in the work in some ways.

I boiled some corn on the cob husks yesterday, to use as a developer, a very new experience and I will try it with one roll of film to see how it goes, apparently, sweetcorn has a high phenol count but we’ll have to wait and see if that translate well as a developer.

WIP Sequence, Self-portrait with a landscape from council estate I live on in London, September 2021, ©Marie Smith

Reflecting on community

After a year and a half of lockdowns due to the pandemic, which involved not being around anyone (except my partner) for a long period of time; I have had two trips recently, with two different friendship groups. One is an old friend of over 10 years and the other is a more recent friendship that has to fruition over the past two years or so.

In early August, I went on a walking trip with Ameena Rojee and Aster Reem David. I had known Aster for a couple of years since she participated in my project Whispering for help.

Since, then we have cultivated a strong friendship, supportive and reciprocal as we navigate the world as two photographers and women of colour with an interest in nature and ecology in our practice.

This felt strange thinking about it but this was the first time I had met Ameena, we had been speaking for a few months via email. This had then been extended to a WhatsApp group between the three of us, which then moved online, and finally, we met in person.

Meeting Ameena felt very normal, it was not strange at all and the three of us resonated well. Ameena and Aster do have more energy than me and I think I was the quietest of the three of us.

We met at Chilworth station which was accessible to all of us via train and car, we set off for a walk around the Gunpowder Mills that once resided in the area. A once thriving community that provided ammunition for the UK has now been left bare but with elements of the structured, gaps for us to project our own narratives and preconceived ideas about the residents and their existence.

As three photographers we were not offended when one of us strolled off in mid-conversation to capture an image and we also acted as models for each other, the weather was a bit dreary but this did not stop us from making the most of the situation and it was an enjoyable walk.

I was surprised by the variety of the location that we came across in Chilworth, deep forest, green ferns, sandy walking paths, and a church at the top of a massive hill that seemed quaint. I did not expect this from a place only an hour outside of London but this is a testament to the variety that the UK has.

The walking paths were sometimes hard to negotiate and we were prohibited from entering certain spaces or given a warning if we came across a precarious path.

Access to land in the UK is not spoken about much, although we are under the impression that there is plenty of space for us to explore, realistically most of it is fenced off and used for farmland or private property. I recently bought a book by Guy Shrubsole which addresses the history of land ownership and how we - the 99% who don’t own land can reclaim agency over these segregated areas.

Once I have read this book I will be reflecting on this more, as knowing this information now, I cannot ignore it and the implications it has on my relationship with the landscape of the UK.

One thing that was different for me, not just being in a group but also being around other people of colour in a non-city environment. This might have looked unusual to some and I did clock some people looking at us longer than usual or adjusting their body language when we walked towards them. I did wonder what the difference would have been if we were white or if we didn’t have our cameras.

Having Aster and Ameena with me did provide me with some solace - a way to feel connected to a community also I didn’t feel scared or anxious as I knew they would not leave me and we were conscious of how we negotiated the landscape as a group and as individuals.

I felt safe.

The next challenge for me is to do a walk like this by myself, again. I spoke about my relationship with nature in an earlier blog in which I documented work and I am making work around this subject as part of West Coast Photo Festival. This experience was positive and I will be working towards building up my confidence to do a photo walk by myself.

One thing that I think I need to consider is how my body and spirit are connected with the landscape. Having a camera is actually very distracting and you can lose that tangled connection to the land as your brain is engaging in other activities. I also think that it would be worth me addressing some anxieties around safety and my consciousness of what I want and what I need to work towards, not just within my practice but within myself.

Self portrait made in Dungeness, developed at home with plant based materials, August 2021, ©Marie Smith

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A few weeks later I went on another trip, again not far from London to a place in East Sussex called Bodiam which is close to Hasting. I went camping with my partner Maciej and two of my friends and another couple Laura and Reuben. I had known Laura for over ten years and Reuben for six years. This was my first time camping since my friend’s 30th birthday which was seven years ago.

The pandemic meant that there has been no opportunity to go away abroad, although I am double vaccinated I am aware of the many variants developing and I still believe that precautions need to be taken until the majority of the world is fully vaccinated.

The camping in Bodiam was very different and also much less about me being a photographer with a camera and more about me being on holiday, although this didn’t stop me from bringing two cameras and lots of colour and black and white film.

The weather was atrocious so we didn’t actually spend much time in Bodiam which was a shame but as Reuben and Laura had a car we went on explorations not far - to Dungeness, Camber Sands, and Bexhill-On-Sea. The coastal locations were varied and also provided different experiences, blaring sunshine in Dungeness and Bexhill but the hostility of wind bound all of the locations together.

Visiting Dungeness was a highlight as we went to Dereck Jarmen’s home - Prospect Cottage. Dungeness is like no other place I had been to before in the UK, it was sublime and very strange. The landscape was rocky, with no tall buildings, trees, or soil. Boats littered the landscape and you would find plant life in abundance flourishing under the rocky surface, it was truly stunning to see plant life thriving in a location that looked bleak. Everyone lived in fisherman-style cottages, some fancier than others.

The nuclear power station was an ominous presence and one of the tallest buildings around, we spotted a few lighthouses and walked towards them, not getting any closer and being beaten down by the constant wind we changed tracks and walked further down the road before stopping for lunch where we rested. It was not cold and despite the wind, the sun felt warm and we all left with a slight glow from our walk.

Being at Prospect Cottage and seeing the care and attention that Jarmen had taken into cultivating his home led me to think again about Jamaica Kincaid’s garden in Vermont, with gardens there is a philosophy and intention behind them that is meant to be communicated to you.

This never occurred to me until recently. It’s weird! Just how you can overlook so much.

Jarmen’s garden consisted of circular congregations of plants and perennials - hardy plant life that could withstand the weather during the changing season. The smell and colours were a triumph and he also intertwined bits of metals and iron into sculptures that intertwined with the plant life and were not in tension with it.

Being here made me think about my interview with Season Butler and her talking about what we consider to be ‘nature’ ‘not nature’ and that Jarmen’s garden was a perfect symphony of this juxtaposition, Jarmen had made a deliberate attempt, not to this distinction and walking around the garden you would never think the corroded iron sculptures looked out of place, in fact, they added vibrancy and colour. Burnt red, orange, and deep browns remind me these materials are a part of nature.

There is no distinction.

I recently started to read Modern Nature a diary that Jarmen wrote whilst living and finessing Prospect Cottage over the course of two years after his diagnosis with HIV in the late 1980s. Like Kincaid, Jarmen reflects on his childhood and his introduction ton to plant life and nature and how this has impacted how he views his home and garden at Prospect Cottage.

The personal account also provides me with more insight into his day-to-day grind with the garden and, the various storms and changes of weather that he had to grapple with. Like Kincaid talking about her plant seed trip to China and how her garden would deteriorate in cold winter months in Vermont, I felt that the garden told me a lot about them and about their identities.

So this trip was very different from Chilworth, I felt more of an internal conversation happening, more threads have been coming together and the different experiences have shown more light onto what I have still to learn and grapple with.

I am not sure where my practice is heading and I am trying not to get caught up with that yet, being present in the moment is more important and is providing me with lots of consideration.

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Dereck Jarmen’s garden, Prospect Cottage, August 2021 ©Marie Smith

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Dereck Jarmen’s garden, Prospect Cottage, August 2021 ©Marie Smith

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This collage is made from a set of different self portrait’s that were developed at home with plant based developer (Tomato plant leaves).

I made a mistake with developing the film but I have decided to embrace the error and work with instead of against the image. Self portraits taken in Derek Jarmen’s garden at Prospect Cottage, Dungeness, ©Marie Smith, August 2021

Again with the plant-based developers, I am making at home, mistakes are still being made and I am finding ways to continue to embrace them and find new ways to communicate the nuances and beauty of nature. I might switch things up and start using my medium format camera, so more depth and also be a case I am able to be a bit more accurate.

Happy accidents can yield surprising results

Sometimes accidents can propel you in a whole new direction, one that you did not intend, however it good to also follow through on a process and see what happens. I accidentally messed up the development of my own images during the Plant based developer workshop with Eileen White from Sustainable Darkroom.

I was also unable to use my local lab’s scanner as this would have jammed it as I had cranked the hols of the side of the film when I was winding the film on the developing wheel during the workshop. This meant that the film ended being stuck together and and some area became undefined and under developed. Undeterred I decided to see what I could do with he fit, I also didn’t want to waste the film and consign it to the bin, wondering what if?

So, my local lab at Photofusion suggested that I rent their highly powerful and accurate Imacon scanner, which I did and it was good to use it, was not difficult and I was also to obtain 20 images from a roll of 35 images, not bad!

On inspection at home I decided that it wasn’t worth trying to make the images look accurate and refined, the images were too blurred and I actually liked the fading and distortion that I had created, I added a filter to them - sepia tone which made them look like historical images from 19th century - well not exactly but close enough!

I them printed them off onto reclaimed paper from Photofusion (thank you!) and now I am wondering what to do with them next, I feel I need to keep on with the process and see art can be done, whether that be collages or annotations, writing of some sort. I’ll just play around and see what happens.

Tomorrow I am off for a walk in Chilworth with two friends, both photographers and we ware going to explore the landscape of Surrey! This will be a nice opportunity for me to go for a walk with other women of colour and to also explore a place that is unfamiliar. My aim is to try and capture some portraits of them and of myself, to see what community feels like in this situation and to try and enact some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind of late.

I will them be developing the film and scanning at home myself - I have just bought a flatbed scanner so I am looking to get more agency and autonomy over my working methods, and to save money as well and in the long run it will be better for me.

Images below are scans and prints of the 35mm roll of film from workshop.

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I scanned the film using Imacon scanner which I hired from PhotoFusion for a few hours, the process was simple and I concentrated on scanning the images that had a tangible image on it.

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It was hard to decipher the septic frames so some images ended up needing onto each other unintentionally or the tress were braced but he fact they were not processed correctly.

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First scan and first impression, each frame was different and I had to manage my expectations, although I am intrigued by the process and what could come next, the potential in the image is what is intriguing me.

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Managed to recover some space paper from PhotoFusion that would not go through the printer. the paper is high quality and mixture of fine art, semi gloss and gloss paper. I have cut the paper up to A4 size s that I can feed it through my inject printer at home.

This also means I can be sustainable in my process, experiment and know that nothing is going to waste and that I have freedom to be playful.

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I printed off some of the images, a mixture of contrasts and black and white and the sepia Toine which I changed in Adobe Lightroom, they have a haunting quality and now look more like historical photographs, which is great! I wonder how they will look at collages? Or perhaps the backdrop for a portraits?